I'm not okay.

The insurance company called me today and told me that her car is totaled. Great. Of course I only have 5000 coverage so the rest is probably going to come out of my pocket. I can't do this.

Seriously. I feel like I'm falling apart in all aspects of my life. I can't wait for fall to come. I just wish it would be here.

I haven't really been sleeping because I just lay there thinking of everything and I've been waking up early for the same reason. Bad dreams, difficult thoughts.

Please God, I need you so much. I can't do this. I feel like I have nothing left. I have no hope in myself, school, or anyone. You're the only one who can take this burden from me. Please God. Please! WHY! oh Lord. I'm sorry for being angry at you. I want to just give it all to you because I don't have the strength for this. I feel so numb and empty inside. Help me to experience your love fully and fill me with your Holy Spirit. I want to live my life for you, and I know that you will work through our weaknesses. Well I'm deep in mine. And I don't know if i'm going to be able to bounce back from this. I want to feel compassion for other people. I feel like all I do is cry out in pain and anguish to you and I feel like I'm being so selfish but Lord! I can't do this! I've got nothing left.

I desperately want to tell people and fall asleep in their arms. But I don't want their pity. I don't want their words of "it'll be alright" how do you know! and "we'll get through this" just shutup and be there for me. That's all I want. I would rather sit in silence and pain than have consoling words that mean nothing.