ughhh

I had a really awkward dream that I was marrying some guy name nathan, and I knew that it wasn't right so as we were standing there at the alter I said, I don't think this is right, and he agreed so we walked back down the aisle and it was the most awkward thing ever. The dream progressed a bit more but it was still as awkward as ever.

I think that's one of my fears. That i'm not going to marry the right person or something. For some reason I really just have this desire that I want to be married and in love and get all the stupid dating stuff out of the way. I think it might stem from my fear of never finding someone, of being alone the rest of my life, like my mom. I know that God has someone who will be so incredible for me, but I have a difficult time believing that sometimes. I want to trust in Him completely, and just let Him have control of my life, but it's still something I think about, quite a lot. I think because of this it may have led to the end of my last two relationships, not that I wanted to really marry them, especially at that point. But I think the idea of marriage really scares guys. Don't get me wrong, it scares me to death too, but I just really wish I could fast forward my life to when I had that guy who is going to be perfect for me. And who won't just take me on stereotypical dates of dinner and a movie. haha.

It scares me that maybe God doesn't want me to get married. Maybe he wants me to just be alone. And I want to be content with that, with only Jesus in my life. Lord help me only need you in my life.